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I'm sorry that I'm not your 36-24-36 type of girl.
I can't please you with these poems or songs which I wrote hours long wailing in agony.
Maybe I'm not able to shower my love on you via art or body.
I'm sorry that I'm not sure whether I should pray you or just owe going insolvent.
"Why are you like this!?"
Fortunately, I'm cursed with 0 figure. Coz this can't be changed no matter how much I diet or exercise. Because the scale of my metabolism can't be changed by excess eating or fasting enough.
My mother, her mother, her sisters and cousins, their daughters and children, their sisters, and my cousins - have this skinniness as a boon of poverty. What we call 0 figure today was from generations continuing till mine.. it runs in our blood.
Maybe that's the reason why I can't answer your "Why are you like this!?"
No, I'm not waiting for any prayers from your side. I'm not willing to do any reiki for me besides this treatment during the pandemic.
I'm willing to dissolve here.. here in memories and memories bringing back memories of all tears and tears taking me into the fantasy land of laughter and light and love and delight.
Maybe this is why it's taking too long.. I haven't forgiven my past life expressions. I haven't forgiven my mind's lustful expectations.
I'm getting roasted in this trance of identity crisis.
I'm…. I'm sorry that I'm a pile of disappointments.
Teach me to love these sins...
Teach me to learn new things.
I'm waiting.. waiting and wailing to love myself just like I did 15 years back.
I was a child.. so pure.. so innocent and so dissolved in the aura of my own imagination.
I'm waiting for her.. to teach me to unlearn this learned helplessness.
My spine shows no excitement when I think of getting back to the stage. It hardly reacts to any signs of love. I'm scared that my hobbies will someday kill me by exhausting in them.. dispersed.. assimilated energies.. recalling back memories, and thinking of you will recall grief and sorrow sprinkled with black salt on fresh scars.
Now it's just me.. just me and light. Hopeful light inviting me to bring in new wounds of light.
How beautiful does it feel to know, how bright life will be, inviting people who will label you and you'll stress upon it for timespan.
I find it wonderful to imagine.. imagine how miserable life can turn into seconds.
I'm sorry.
Does this stress you too…?

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